“If it’s dead, we’ll kill it”  
Series starts:
29th January!!
www.storyland.ie
 
Types of biters There are many types of zombies that stumble around the towns these days and you need to know what ones you are dealing with. So here on our inter web page for your convenience is a list of Dead Heads that the bashers have come face to face - YOU ARE FUCKED!! Anyway these are your basic Zombies and how to spot them. WARNING - Zombie Bashers are highly trained, killing machines. Never attempt to imitate or copy our actions as you could get the arm bitten clean off you. We are highly trained bashers and we do this for a living. So don’t fuck about and just give us a call on the blower. Zombie Bashers, These boys have begun learning a thing or two about stuff. We saw one once, true story, changing the batteries in a remote. Just swapping them around like. We where amazed until we blew his fucking head clean off his shoulders, amazing. These can be seen using door handles and are also quite adept at making toast. I saw it with my own two eyes so I did. No word of a pork pie. These though are very rare, like finding a box of corn pops. Where did corn pops go? Serious like? Methods of extermination - Rake, Axe, Shovel, Old Betsy and jack hammer to the skull. Type A - The thinking zombie A little bit more mobile but still thick as a plank. These walking brain dead meat socks will trample the flower bed as soon as look at you. No craic what so ever. Will still try to munch on your melon though but still their as slow as slow can be. They sometimes infest in large numbers. No need to be alarmed by them as they couldn’t open a bag of chips. They are a pair of clowns balls so they are. Methods of extermination - Old Betsy, Axe or swift kick to the face. Type B zombie Basically a zombie with no legs. Useless little bollixes, but can give you a nasty nip on the ankles if not wearing proper foot wear like a pair of Doc martins. None of these slip on shoes like a fecking Ballerina. Methods of extermination - Stand on it’s head or shovel to the neck. Pick Axe is also effective. Type C zombie Gushers
These are nasty little shits. The thing about gushers is the fact that they have huge heads like your man off the news. You know who I’m talking about. Or like Billy Brennan, the butcher down the road there when he got stung by a bee in the head at the barn dance back in 87. Head like a fucking hot air balloon, it was gas so it was. Gushers heads take in a massive intake of blood and will feed on almost anything like cattle or the Ducks. Greedy little shits. But dangerous non the less.
 
Methods of extermination - Hurl to the head, chainsaw or hand held grenade.
Moaning Zombies moan more then an old women in a post office looking for a stamp. Their low toned moan is a reaction from constant disappointment of being a zombie and the state that the country is in at the moment. If you hear the moaning you may have a biter. Foaming From the mouth Dead heads have a thing about foaming from the mouth like a weight watchers meeting locked in a food court. These boys will spew black tar like shit from their mouths as they approach to attack. This is not to be confused with someone with a mouth full of black Jacks. That stuff is lethal and so are the dead heads. So be wary. Don’t fuck about. stAGGERED WALKING A zombie will always walk like it is after having ten pints of the black stuff and is after going ten rounds with Steve Collins back in the day. Remember this is not to be confused with actual sauced people. Zombie Bashers have had this problem before. We don’t care if your husband is a bollix, we bash zombies, not old bastards. Serious Lack of Skin The old dead heads have a tendency to having a serious lack of skin on the face. If you can see teeth where their ear is supposed to be then you have a Zombie issue. At no point in life should you need to see someone’s choppers through a hole in their head. This is just no fair crack. So remember if you see somebody and they have a head like a gone off banana, don’t delay and call Zombie Bashers today. Do you have a zombie problem? Here are the bashers top tip for knowing if you have a zombie problem. You never know when you will have an infestation of biters roaming around the back garden. But luckily there are signs that will let you know that you have a dead head pissing about your humble household.
follow us!